For 2010 I promise - I really do - trust me

Make New Year resolutions I will. Yoda laughs he does. Promise, I will, to be a better boy next year, I will, promise I will. Give up things I will.

God Almighty how many times have I heard this kind of clap-trap. The only time when we should make New Year promises is when we are soon to be drunk, already drunken or totally arse-holed. Then we will rarely remember such silly promises made.

Anyway in the spirit of progress and future Enlightenment I will give out my own New Year resolutions for you all to see and then to measure. Tell you I will. Measure you might.

1. I will stop looking at those beautiful women in the supermarkets. I will rather concentrate upon the carrots and the potatoes and the cat food.

2. I will vacuum clean the house more often.

3. I will clear the snow from the front garden in straight lines and in a more geometrical fashion so that it all looks good.

4. I will stop criticising anybody for watching the vast majority of TV programmes that are available.

5. I will never ever sing out in a Bingo game that 88 is two fat ladies or that (for skinny women) number eleven is legs 11.

6. I will be kind and understanding to all those "Finns With Talent" and I will never again say that better talent can be found from the local pub.

7. I will stop looking at those beautiful women in the supermarkets.

8. When I write or speak I will always put my penis away in some safe place so that my other smaller brain can get working.

9. Whenever I feel just a little confused I will promise to visit a Priest, a Psychologist or a Political Ideology.

10. I will not piss in the snow and then pretend that I make a postmodern art-form.

Anyway now I have opened up my soul to you all for the New Year. I have taken upon myself the trials and the troubles of your world(s). It has been a very heavy burden to carry but somebody has to do it.

But I must do more. To be a good-feeling-citizen in 2010 I must try and reach that high zone of altruism. I must work for ”the other”. I must take away my self-centred concerns and work for the public good. So with this in mind let me give you a few more New Year resolutions :-

a) I will use my mobile phone much more and text message much more to others. I will also Twitter and Facebook and social network. Why? It is because you are all worth it.

b) I will begin a public campaign here in Finland. I will work hard to make changes for the good of women. I will support the female cause. I will campaign and lead public demands for bigger parking places for women only. In our public car parking areas we must have "women only" places that are wider than the usual car parking places.

c) I will also promise to campaign and work towards a better life for our young folk. If our youngsters live more than 500 metres away from their school they should get public transport, by car or mini-bus, so that they can begin their school day in a relaxed mood. Then they can also receive lessons in the ways to sleep well.

In fact I am already feeling better for this new 2010. I can make a real contribution to social life.

Now it is you, the reader of this text, that must open up and make your own promises.

Saint Stephen Bowles