The Pathetic Lapland Wars
It seems that some people get upset if some places in northern Finland call themselves Lapland. You guessed it money and power is at the root of this upset. My message to all of you is simple. You can call yourselves anything you want as far as I am concerned. But please get a real life. Or at least grow up.
You people that argue about this can call yourselves ”Hey-Diddily-De land” for all I care. Just imagine the fantastic tourist possibilities from this Hey-Diddily-De Land. Great marketing potential here. Just sing along with this :-
”I’m a Hey-Diddily-De
It’s a natural life for me.
Hey, Diddily-Do
You can have this too”
In fact I think that my living in Hey-Diddily-De Land is better than Lapland. It makes more sense. It’s more fun too. Now to any of you sceptical people out there please consider carefully this statement. Always remember that bullshit beats brains all the time. Especially in the Lapland wars. North eastern Finland is, of course, not allowed to call themselves Lapland even if they have a few reindeer. Such is what some north-western Finns say.
You guessed it. Lapland is a ”Brand Name” where it is ”owned” by a few that will care nothing for reality so long as they make a good buck and a dime. It is a bit like Santa Claus Land. In fact it is bit like religion making good money from a very big name that really does not exist. God forbid can we all be this silly? Anyway Hey-Diddily-De Land is better. Then we can sell our special land to the ”Hey-Diddily-Do Landers”. Come on now you know it makes good sense! What the hell has reality got to do with it. Answer. Not a lot at all.
Do you remember when business guys from the Kemi and Tornio and Helsinki regions were selling their souvenirs under the name of ”Lapland”? The Sami folk were not amused. So some officials decided that ”Lapland Produce” needed to be ”authentic”. It needed to be manufactured in the real northern Finland if it was to be sold under the Lapland label. But then along came Santa Claus, in the 1980s, and changed all that. The produce from Lapland could, yet again, be made in the Far East or anywhere else that was with the cheapest price and then sold to tourists as authentic. It was always a joke or at least yet another joke just waiting to happen.
But I did believe that Sami were a more co-operative folk and did not own the land as such. They shared the land with the reindeer and other exiles and outcasts. But today Lapland is a branded-name. People fight about brands. Now that the Sami would understand well enough for a discussion. Who has copied my brand? As the famous Black Knight in that Monty Python sketch would say: ”Bite your legs off I will”. That was when he had already lost his arms and legs.
Anyway in the real Lapland they sell Oriental carpets and lots of Asian things, South American things and other things. The young folk play heavy metal rock. They have never felt the need to drink only ”Lapin Kulta” and they are quite happy to live in a place called Norbotten in Sweden sometimes. Put that in your Lapland pipe and smoke it.
So let us reinvent ourselves yet again. Let us be Hey-Diddily-De Landers who live in Hey-Diddily-De Land. Let us sell our ”services” and ”authentic products” to the Hey-Diddily-Do landers with the sing-a-long phrase :-
I’m a Hey-Diddily-De
It’s a natural life for me.
Hey Diddily-Do
You can have this too.
Steve Bowles (Chief of Tourism in Hey-Diddily-De Land)
