Fish ”n” Chips? Tell Me More
If I am to believe in the Finnish TV adverts then fish and chips are getting offered to the public on a big scale. Now this is something I know about. This ”fish ’n’ chips” is in my blood. So should I be happy that this gets popular in Finland? Yet something seems wrong.
First let us think about the chips. You know those real chips made from only real spuds. Those fairly bulky brutes that are deep fried. Those wonderful thick slabs of potato that are deep fried in fatty stuff which would make any sensitive supermodel squirm. Those tasty chuncks of spud that really fill your stomach. These chips are not like those fake and fancy French Fries or those powder-based skinny things that are served up as if to look like a skinny size six model. The real chips are shorter and fatter. French Fries are false, long and thin.
As far as I can tell we can only get these real chips in a few select places here in Finland. Certainly we cannot get them from any fast-food joint. Anyway I suspect that everyone from the moral police force through to health and safety experts and through to European Union groups for the protection of poor potatoes will ban these real chips. I am certain that many academic papers from the psychologists are written to warn us about the joys of the short and fat beauties. So in Finland the danger is this. We will not get real chips to go with the fish. Damn it I say.
Now to the fish.
When we talk of Fish ’n’ Chips we use this as a general term. It is like saying that we shall go out and get some fish and chips. Then when we get to the ”chipper”, where we buy the delicious, fatty and deep fried, wicked delicacies we order the exact type of fish that we want. No more just fish and chips. It now becomes Cod and chips or Haddock and chips or Plaice and chips. Sometimes, if we are lucky, we might get to ask for Lemon Sole and chips or Skate and chips. But the point is simple. We do not ask for fish and chips. We ask for the special fish that we want.
Why is this? Why do we never just order fish and chips? Let me tell you why.
People have been fooled so many times in the past by dodgy dealers. We have been fooled so many times by those that would feed the local stray cats with fish oil before serving this new cat meat up as fish. It was many years before people really knew what was really inside of the famous early Fish Fingers. It was the cheapest rubbish to be found mixed up with a few tasty bits and pieces. It was the kind of stuff that used to sold off for what is called Fish Meal, or animal fodder.
So never ask for Fish and Chips. Ask for the kind of fish you really want. Cod? Sole? Saithe? Haddock? Or even ask for Pike if you want. But just ask for what you want. (In fact Pike goes well with real chips)
Then when you are satisfied that you have your correct fish there is something else to remember.
You then put your fish and your chips into a plate made up from old newspapers. Then you sprinkle salt onto the whole lot before then doing the best bit. Then you cover the lot with a heavy dose of malt vinegar. You then walk outside and find a street corner or a park bench or a nice sitting place by the seaside to eat your dainty dish. Advice here is to avoid the vinegar seeping down through the newspaper and then onto your clothes. If this happens then get an extra layer of newspaper or eat over the clothes of your partner.
Now, on this summer Tuesday, I feel much better. I have educated and informed the good reader. I have acted like a good journalist. I have played my part in the community and I have avoided mentioning any names that might take offence and therefore take legal action. That is pretty good for a summer Tuesday.
Steve Bowles
