WC Football: Best Bits and The Worst Bits

This latest World Cup football event was about as interesting as suffering from constipation and being forced to sit upon the WC for hours on end. Even the groans and the grunts are fitting for this WC event. So let me give you some of the best bits and the worst bits from the vuvuzela droans in the constipated toilet zones of World Cup anti-football.

The Best Bits:

1. Paul the psychic octopus. He was correct 100% of the time. That was eight correct predictions which was better than any of the TV experts could manage. Those that bet with Paul were on 3000 to 1 odds. Paul was the superstar.

Other countries tried to compete with Paul the octopus but they all failed. Even the parrot and the crocodile lost out and became as expert as the TV consultants. So the number one star for this event was Paul the octopus.

2. The awful noise of that vuvuzela horn was a blessing in disguise. The dull, brain-draining, drone of those horns helped to take away the despair of awful football games. Indeed this horn prevents reasonable thought itself. There is a big future for this horn especially at election times.

3. Many of us now have a damned good excuse not to pay any TV licence fee. At least the TV could have shown on the screen an explanation for the bad quality. They could have said that: ”There is no need to adjust your TV set. There is no technical problem. This is real”. Many also can demand cheaper tickets for watching football games now.

4. The biggest cheers went out to Nelson Mandela. At least that showed football fans in a decent light.

5. The Uruguay player, Diego Forlan (sorry about the little thing above the ”a” in Forlan but after watching this football event I remain a little suspicious about technical matters), anyway our sexy Diego is voted the new Golden Balls of the whole circus. This will help, they say, more female interest in the future. This shows that FIFA and even the boss man, Sepp Blatter, can work together, as a team, with journalists for the good of the ”no longer beautiful game”.

The Worst Bits:

1. This was really the final proof. This was the real end of the beautiful game. What makes this even worse is that so many of the younger generation have only the last few years to experience and think about. The shame is that the beautiful game is now lost to Robo-Cops and Comedy Acts. Now it is all just cheap theatre. Reality TV kicks a ball.

2. The basic rules of the game mean nothing anymore. Even a decent display from most referees was pointless. In the final, last night, the Netherlands were rightly condemned. However Spain played a very cheap game too. If you had eyes you would see the Spanish tricks a'plenty. To win at any cost is now the final solution. This also applies to the fans and spectators. Again the beautiful game is now finally lost.

3. The end of decent goal scorers. This WC football was an event where highly paid professionals showed their lack of basic skills in putting the silly ball in the net. They preferred to aim at the goalkeeper. What makes this worse is that everybody wants to make fancy excuses about this failure to be a good goal-scorer.

4. There was not one half-decent goalkeeper to be seen anywhere. Most were nervous and/or mediocre. Most of the goalkeeping looked as if it was a copy from some damned new textbook. In a WC event where goal scorers were so poor it seemed that the goalkeepers were even worse. Such is the balance of mediocracy. Groan. Grunt.

5. Finally, the media relationship with the official statements is at an all time low. The organising power groups have shown their liking for the ”control freak” syndrome. The media, on the whole, have accepted this. This is not just the end of the beautiful game – this is the end of alternative reporting and the other-side of the ”facts”. Football today, at this level, is becoming more and more like a kind of Fascism that FIFA will come to regret someday.

So there it is. My report on the latest World Cup football. Yes, it was like sitting down on the toilet suffering from constipation. For the first time ever I do not look forward to the next WC event.

Steve Bowles